Six thoughts

  1. Last weekend Peter really wanted to make some pudding from a box and put it in a store-bought graham cracker crust (????). He thought Henry would think it was fun and good. Henry wasn’t interested in the “pie” at all, except for the whipped cream on top. Ha! Smart kid.
  2. What is going on with Courtney Cox? She looks terrible. She has had way, way too much work done. She looks weird and plastic.
  3. I really like baking shows, but I hate how the bakers always have such a strict time frame. How can you bake something amazing and beautiful in 30 minutes?? It stresses me out to watch! I hate to be rushed in the kitchen.
  4. Amazon is so sneaky. I have been shopping around for party supplies for Henry’s birthday so I’ve put tons of stuff in my shopping cart while I shop around. Over the past week or so Amazon has raised the price on just about every single item in my cart. Jerks.
  5. I really hate those stupid amber teething necklaces and bracelets people put on their babies.
  6. All my thoughts posts have been “five thoughts” lately. So this one makes it six.
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Seven tv thoughts

  1. Single Project: I almost quit because this was pretty boring. Kerry is terrible. Why is that guy still dating her after she bashed his career choice? Also, she’s not as cute as she thinks she is. And the dentist is acting for the cameras, right?
  2. Witches of East End: This is how desperate I’ve been for something new since nothing is on right now. Actually, it’s not too bad! It’s not good, but I think it might be the best Lifetime show I’ve ever seen.
  3. Red Band Society: This was pretty cute.
  4. The Mysteries of Laura: This looked terrible, but it’s actually not as bad as I thought. It’s not good, but not horrible.
  5. Madam Secretary: Pretty good. Remember when Tea Leoni was Jane on Fun with Dick and Jane and her face swelled up when she did that makeup testing thing? I could barely watch this show without thinking of that.
  6. Jersey Belle: They are trying way too hard with this. It’s driving me crazy that Jaime is so obsessed with Danielle’s infertility. Danielle is very sweet about it, but I bet she wants to punch her in the face. And the baby mama in New Orleans? Come on.
  7. Teen Mom 2: My heart is so broken for Jace. Seriously, how do the camera men stand it? They need to call CPS.
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Five thoughts

  1. This week Henry and I went to Sprinkles and brought a chocolate cupcake home for Peter. Peter told me that he likes my cake better than Sprinkles. Hello, compliment!!
  2. When I lived in Boston I used to get stuff on super duper sale at Target all the time. My target never has stuff on sale. I don’t get it.
  3. We have granite counter tops. I didn’t get the hype until recently. They didn’t ever clean very well and always seemed dull and spotted. I finally bought some granite cleaner and it made an amazing difference. My counter tops are smooth and shiny now.
  4. I’m not sure why so many people are obsessed with proclaiming themselves as type A personalities.
  5. I have a bunch of mini candy bars from last Halloween. Have you eaten a candy bar lately? They are pretty gross. The chocolate doesn’t even taste like real chocolate.
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Five thoughts

  1. My favorite primer is Smashbox Photo Finish Primer. Good stuff.
  2. Yesterday I found a giant cockroach in my bathroom! Gah!!
  3. The mountain of toys that Henry requires for bedtime is always growing. Currently it’s a sock monkey, a stuffed lion, Jimmy, two Lightening McQueens, a stuffed zebra, Dusty Crophopper, a stuffed giraffe, Blankie, a stuffed elephant, a sippy cup of water, and whatever book he is currently obsessed with (right now it’s Five Little Pumpkins). It’s super cute.
  4. I hate bow ties on little boys, but I love bow ties on little boys! I’m torn.
  5. One of my favorite Pandora stations is George Strait. I realized today that someday Henry is going to need me to explain to him who Garth Brooks and Alan Jackson were.
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Five thoughts

  1. Urban Decay Makeup Setting Spray is my new favorite thing. I’ve never really been a fan of makeup setting spray. It always seems like such a waste of money and sort of a scam. I got a sample of this stuff and I really love it. It actually makes my makeup stay put! I also like the dewy finish it gives.
  2. I’ve always liked Kelly Osbourne’s hair, but I’m starting to wonder how long it will be her thing. Like, forever?
  3. Peter hates Michelle Money. I love her. Everything she does is so ridiculous that it makes me laugh. She’s pure entertainment. I love Kim Kardashian for the same reasons. People have such hate for her and it only makes me like her more.
  4. Fall tv starts soon! Can’t wait!
  5. Sometimes I see CDs at the store for sale. Why???? Do they just have them their for marketing purposes or are there people out there who are still buying CDs?
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It took me five years to get pregnant with Henry. I always knew it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. Even when I was young I just always sort of knew that having kids would be hard for me. I scheduled an appointment with a fertility doctor the very month I stopped using birth control and had my appointment four months later (this was back in my on-the-ball days, ha ha ha).

I remember my first fertility appointment so clearly, even though it was seven years ago. I was pretty clueless about infertility since I’d only been trying for a few months. I was nervous. I remember being worried that I would run into someone I knew. I remember sitting in the waiting room with several other infertile girls and couples and awkwardly no one looked up from their magazines and infertility pamphlets (no iPhones back then!). I remember my doctor’s white coat was dirty on the insides of his sleeves. I remember getting choked up talking about my infertility, even though I didn’t even really know I was infertile yet. I remember lying to him, telling him I’d been trying for longer than I had so he would take me seriously.

The doctor gave me clomid right away, which I hadn’t expected. When I went home with my clomid prescription I felt more anxiety than I did before the appointment. I went from trying to get pregnant to TRYING to get pregnant in an afternoon. It was exactly what I wanted, but for some reason hadn’t really expected to happen so quickly.

From the beginning we knew my problem was ovulation. I don’t ovulate. I have a good uterus and good eggs, I just don’t ovulate. This is one of the most mild of fertility problems, and one of the easiest to fix. I am very, very, very grateful for that. In infertility cases like mine, the process basically goes like this:
– You take drugs starting on a specific day of your cycle.
– You go to the doctor’s office multiple times throughout your cycle and they monitor you via vaginal ultrasound and/or blood work to see how your ovaries/uterus/eggs are reacting to the drugs. They increase/decrease your drugs based on what they see on the ultrasound.
– If your body reacts and ovulates you have a chance of getting pregnant (the old fashioned way or via an IUI), if not you wait for your next cycle and try a different combination of drugs to hopefully stimulate ovulation.

When I went to fill my prescription that evening I was surprised to be told that my insurance didn’t cover clomid. I was totally unaware of the huge cost of fertility. I had never thought about medical costs in my life so I had no idea that certain things were/weren’t covered (naive, I know). I had to pay $25 per pill. I remember standing there at the Walgreens on 3300 South in Salt Lake, wondering what the heck business I had spending that much on medicine. We were young newlyweds, Peter was in school and not working, and we were trying to save every penny we could because we knew we had business school in our future (five years in the future). I was hesitant about spending the money, but at the time I felt like starting a family would be worth $125 so I paid for my five pills. Little did I know that $125 would be a teeny, tiny drop in the bucket.

That first fertility cycle was simply the lowest dose of clomid. Nothing happened. The next month they doubled my dosage (which cost me $250 in medication) and nothing happened. In the following months, the pills increased every cycle, the frequency of appointments increased every cycle (every appointment cost $250 and I had multiple appointments per month), my anxiety increased every cycle and NOTHING HAPPENED.

When I say “nothing happened” I don’t mean that I didn’t get pregnant, I mean that my body didn’t even ovulate. I was spending all this time and money and I still hadn’t even had the chance to get pregnant.

This went on for months and months. Once I got to the highest dose of clomid they tried mixing in other drugs (some cheap, some expensive). Nothing happened. Then they mixed in injections, some that I did myself at home and some that I went to the doctor to have done (again, $250 each appointment and the shots were $40-$100 each). Nothing happened.

I dealt with the following side effects: blurred vision (which was especially worrisome because I spent two hours a day in my car commuting to work), hot flashes (like, whoa), breakouts, weight gain, headaches, night sweats, swollen face (not every day, just occasionally, but it was so bad some days that I had to work from home), and CRAZY (Peter called my pills “the crazy pills”). It was not fun. Actually, it was downright miserable.

Finally after about a year of pumping my body full of drugs and spending far too much time (and money!) at the fertility clinic, they finally found the right combination of drugs/injections and I ovulated! I didn’t get pregnant, but I ovulated! Finally, some progress. The next month we did the same thing, I ovulated, and we did our first IUI (which I think was about $300 for the procedure??).

I got pregnant! I had an early miscarriage (at my mother-in-law’s house on Christmas, not fun), but I had gotten pregnant! Progress! We tried five more IUIs over the next year and I never got pregnant again. The next step was IVF, and for a variety of reasons we weren’t ready to do that so we stopped treatment.

Fertility is a terrible thing. It’s obviously not the worst thing that can happen, but it can be pretty awful. It took me about three and a half years to truly make peace with my infertility. Eventually it just seemed ok. This sounds a little dramatic, but I think that letting it go sort of changed my life. Not being a mom turned into one of life’s disappointments and was no longer a devastating tragedy that defined me (dramatic much??).

Then I got Henry! Yay! I’m so lucky.

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Five thoughts

  1. What will happen to Fashion Police now that Joan is gone??? They can’t replace her with a funny person, because that would just be embarrassing for the replacement since they could never compare. But it has to be funny!
  2. My brother came to visit! Both of my brothers are so sweet with Henry. It’s heartwarming.
  3. Have you seen the commercial about Al and Al’s Budget? That is how I feel about my budget. Major buzzkill.
  4. I’ve considered asking my landlord if I can paint a wall. Am I insane??? Peter totally shut me down and thinks it’s a terrible idea. I’ve never painted a wall before, or even considered painting a wall. It seems hard, but everyone does it, so it can’t be that bad??
  5. I’m blogging because I’m avoiding the primary bulletin board. Seriously, it’s last minute now. Gotta do it.
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